Love, The Zombies.

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(via Wolf and Fox)

614 south 3rd 2r: A Rental Horror Film

Hello there! It's been awhile since I went into hibernation, I know. But it's been a busy sort of hibernation: I've been on the job hunt. For the right job I'll move anywhere, but Philadelphia is at the top of my list. I grew up there, it's close to New York, it's got a ton of universities and colleges, I have friends there... there are a lot of pluses. So I went on Craigslist last night to check out apartments. The below is billed as a "virtual tour" -- but I'm not fooled, and you won't be either:

614 south 3rd 2r: A RENTAL HORROR FILM

0:00 Right off the bat we’re on the express train to Creeptown: cheap hardware store letters – one dented -- slapped unevenly on an unfinished wood door that looks so flimsy you could split it with a cardboard box top. (Check out the hole on the lower left, which looks like it was made by something only slightly sturdier than a pencil tip.)

0:02 Two seconds in and we’re in CHILDREN OF THE CORN territory. Creaky door, wobbly camerawork (clearly amateur -- possibly psychotic!), apparently abandoned messes everywhere. Is that the top of a toilet tank on the sofa?* Also there appears to be an unused fireplace that is full of crap. Wow, do I want to live here.

0:13 More abandoned stuff, including what appears to be the end of breakfast. What happened in this place? Was there some kind of raid and everyone split out the bathroom window? Plus this camera work is making me nauseated. Let’s not mention breakfast again.

0:19 Look quickly or you’ll miss the foreboding shadow of Camera Man. The plot thickens!

0:22 Apparently the ceiling is an extremely important feature of this apartment. I couldn’t agree more, by the way; I for one would never consider moving into an apartment without a ceiling, and I recommend you don’t either. I used to work for a real estate company, so you can take this advice to the bank.

0:26 OMG! The door is squeaking again! Youguysyouguysyouguys, from the way Camera Guy is swinging his camera around I don’t think HE expects anyone either! I think we can best describe this POV as “terrified giraffe.”

0:35 A quick pit stop as we move quickly down the hall in search of a hiding place to point out the washer and dryer. Excellent! Washing all those bloody clothes will be a snap.

0:51 Look, this bedroom ceiling has a light in it! That is awesome. Also, I’m now blind.

1:06 Okay, we all just gave silent thanks that the toilet was empty, right?

1:09 More with the ceiling. Listen, we get it. The apartment has ceilings in every single room. Congrats! But you’re still kind of freaking me out, Camera Man.

1:13 That blue box is a case of baby wipes. There is a baby here. Could it be a killer baby who loves breakfast and ceilings? I can’t tell yet. But I’m worried. Very, very worried. Things are getting creepier by the second.

1:16 AAAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!!! IT’S HIM!!! IT’S HIM!!!!!! He totally slipped up and showed himself on camera, and now he has to kill you!!! You know that this is true because of the lovingly shot homage to the shower scene in PSYCHO that follows. I am telling you, prospective tenant: RUN. RUN NOW.

1:24 Whoa, was that a back flip, Camera Man? Oh, prospective tenant, getting away is going to be harder than I thought. In fact, let's face it: you’re dead.

1:28 Especially because the bathroom window leads straight into a concrete wall. Yep, sorry. You’re toast.

1:35 and 1:36 Hear those things that sound like a pile of throwing stars and a baseball bat? What? I’m just asking.

1:38 Okay, hold everything. We are now in the full glory of this video, and I think this screen shot says it all. Please note that I have not digitally altered this in any way, first, because I do not have the software to do so and second, because even if I did I wouldn’t know how to do it. Ladies and gentlemen, I present the Floating Muppet Heads of Death:

We LOVE it at 614 south 3rd 2r… come join us... join us... join us...

1:40 - 2:04 In a redemptive, practically touching, totally Hollywood moment, the last few moments of this "virtual tour" show the POV of someone walking down a white (well, beige, really, but who quibbles at a time like this?) hall, toward a bright light. Good night, prospective tenant, wherever you are. If I wind up moving to Philadelphia I'm sorry we won't have a chance to meet; you seemed like a nice person.

______

*Apparently not. But in this place, who can tell?