Dateline NoCashland: Freecycle Roundup

After several months in NoCashland, I’ve discovered something surprising: it can be fun. I’m well aware that it will be a whole lot less fun when the unemployment runs out in April, and it will be pretty dire if we hit, say, July and there’s still no job happening. But since September 22 I’ve gotten pretty good at living low. The amount of spending I’ve cut down on is substantial; I was never that profligate in the first place (my biggest indulgence was a regular manicure), but I’m still surprised at how not painful it’s turned out to be. I went to a birthday celebration for a friend last week, and she told me how relaxed and happy I looked. (We worked together at another financial services firm whose name loosely rhymes with the phrase “Old Men’s Backs.” Did that conjure up a creepy image? Perfect.)

I attribute my newfound radiance to the fact that the past three months are the first in years in which I have consistently gotten more than five hours of sleep per night. (And even that sleep wasn’t good. While I was at BigAnonymous I once had a dream in which I was in a plane – I’m one of those who gets very anxious when it’s time to fly, and I’ve had nightmares about planes crashing and malfunctioning in every way you can think of – and I looked out the window to see that another plane was on a collision course with us. The other plane’s sides were made of metal mesh, and I could tell even from where we were that it was filled with office supplies. That’s right: I had an anxiety dream about a flying load of office supplies. It should come as no surprise that the comparative relaxation of working at home is glowingly obvious even to a drunk person in a pitch-dark hipster bar.)

One of my favorite NoCashland coping tools is Freecycle. It is awesome. Several times a day I get a digest of messages from people who are giving stuff away. And people are giving away some amazing stuff. Some gross stuff, certainly (note to the people who offer used makeup: throw that shit out. Old eyeliner can give you pinkeye, and half-used lipstick just makes me shudder). But some amazing stuff. In the past couple of weeks alone, I scored an electric sander, which I intend to use to sand down these:

before lacquering them in shiny shiny black lacquer and reupholstering them with this silk brocade:

That’s a crappy picture, but the background is silver and the flowers are very pale pink and very pale blue embroidery. It is beautiful. And I found the chairs on my street, about three blocks down.  My neighbors apparently all have more money than me; frequently their trash is nicer than most things I own. So for a little elbow grease and a sander from Freecycle, I’m going to have some fabulous chairs, just as soon as it gets warm enough for me to spend some time in the alley behind my building.

I also scored a swivelly ergonomic office chair. Remember the Ergonomic Plea? It turns out there is someone upstairs! Her name is Jeannie, she lives in Washington Heights with her husband, and she has totally saved my ass -- not to mention my neck, back, and shoulders.

So I’m a huge Freecycle fan for very practical purposes. But Freecycle has a whole other dimension which I didn’t expect, because if you read it regularly, you can get a pretty interesting insight into what New York (or wherever you are) is up to. Some recent samples:

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OFFER: Swarovski crystal “puchi” dog leash:
http://puchibag.com/lead_swar_ruby_sm.php

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 OFFER: Country Living – Country Lifestyles Collection- Starter Set
 This is the "Starter Set" of a decorating book series offered by Time-Life Books many years ago. Included is a three ring binder, a set of dividers and the first chapter only. The description of the series is as follows: "Combining the best of the old with the finest of the new this book shows how to create the country look in your home by providing practical know-how on how to make printed furniture, handmade quilts, stenciled floors, and preserves in the larder to evoke the comfort of a country home." It's in excellent condition. Also included is a small bag of potpourri, Spiced Apple scent.



These are from the same poster. A poster who paid $179.99 for Swarovski crystals embedded in a retractable leash handle, and who also bought a do-it-yourself kit on how to turn your house into something Laura Ingalls Wilder would have lived in if only her houses hadn’t kept getting nailed by tornadoes and fires and things. This yin-yang pair had me completely confused - until I realized that that’s why only one of the three chapters is offered. Clearly, our intrepid, aspirationally-homespun poster read one chapter of instructions on how to actually, you know, do things yourself and came to her senses (from the email address it’s clear that our poster is a woman), realizing quite rightly that anyone who is going to purchase nearly $200 worth of Swarovski crystals mounted on a plastic mechanism that probably cost nine cents to make and which any sentient person knows will break after about four uses has no business even attempting to find a space in her apartment that might conceivably be referred to as a larder, much less try to make preserves to store in it.

Points for initial item buying: 2.
Points for self-awareness and efficient use of Freecycle: 8.
Average: 5, plus a one-point bonus for the sheer balls it takes to admit you bought a Swarovski-encrusted leash in the first place.

Score: 6

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WANTED: Wall decorations with which to decorate walls!

Okay! Okay!

Hands down my favorite request ever.

Score: 10.


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WANTED: hemp seed/nuts

Posted by: "Betty" (much as it killed me, I have changed this name. Please note, though, that the quotation marks around the name were part of the original post. Points for you, “Betty.” That’ll keep the fuzz off your trail, man.)

I know it's a really long shot, but I need hemp nuts/seed. This is for eating, popular 'superfood' for humans & animals alike. It's not for me, but my ailing pet. It perks her up.

Pickup anywhere there's mass transit.

“Betty” 

Ah yes, the old “that’s not mine, it’s my brother’s roommate’s pet’s.”

Wait -- my pet’s? I’ve got to hand it to you for choosing a mute scapegoat, Betty, cause let me tell you, when my tenth-grade best friend found out I’d blamed her for that stash of blow my parents found in my jewelry box it took a lot more than a scratch behind the ears and a pack of Snausages to keep her clammed up. I take off my nubbly wool hat with the earflaps and those long braid things that look like bell-pulls to you.

Still, you’re probably right that getting your “hemp nuts/seed" is a long shot. What’s maybe not such a long shot? A quick trip to the hoosegow.  But I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you, "Betty!"

Points for charming if misguided attempts at cloak-and-dagger-style shenanigans, and also for being self-aware enough to know that you should stick to mass transit rather than operating a motor vehicle yourself: 8

Points for creativity in requesting this for your pet, and because that “perks her up” line nearly made me do a spit take on my keyboard: 7

Deduction for stooping so low as to blame your habit on your pet: 3


Average/Total: 4

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Somehow I feel like “Betty” should have scored higher, but I actually had no intention of assigning points in the first place. Ah, well. In the nature of Freecycle, I’m sure I’ll be seeing a post from her again.  And if she writes requesting a file baked in a cake, well, hey!  Surely someone out there has a box of cake mix just lying around unused.